Shouldn't Americans be allowed to love? Support Canada's neighbour, and the oppressed people who deserve marriage:
[link]
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Mood:
Braind-fry
Listening to: Nine Inch Nails - Hurt
Reading: Ranma (manga)
Watching: Silent Hill 4 Trailer
I broke up with my boyfriend. Stop reading now if you don't want to listen to a depressing story.
If you absolutely hate boy-love drama... don't worry. This isn't drama, it's actually the sad state of society. No theatrics here.
When we began dating, Yoshi revealed to me that when he was a child, his father had beaten and abused him everyday, up to the point that his parents divorced, his mother gained custody and moved to the other side of Japan. I felt like I could really connect with him on this, because my mother and sister abused me often when I was young.
A month after we were dating, he found out that I was talking to my ex-boyfriend behind his back. We had both been insecure and unwilling to take a risk with each other, and on top of that, I was returning to Canada after awhile and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to keep the relationship going after I got back. So I made plans to get back together with my ex-boyfriend in Canada after I got back. Yoshi found out about this and naturally, was incredibly hurt. I felt absolutely terrible... I should have taken a risk to be with him, and I know I could have been happy. We remained together, he was still hurt for a very long time, understandably. For two months, he treated me absolutely terribly. Every time, I forgave him, and was patient and understanding.
I was really trying. Before that, I wasn't trying, but this time I was really trying. He could see it too, but he still treated me terribly. Finally, I told him I can't take it anymore and I can't be patient and forgiving forever. I told him that I wouldn't give him any more chances. A few days later, he did it again. He blew up in my face and ripped me up as usual, being terribly childish and selfish, and verbally abusive. I told him that I wanted to leave him. I wasn't happy with him, at least as not as happy as I could be... I even told him that I had been happier with my ex-boyfriend. He finally understood how terrible I was feeling because of the way he was treating me, and promised to finally stop. He asked me to give him time.
So I gave him time. A week later (today), he makes several obvious lies to me, a story that just doesn't work. He can't even look at me when he explains himself, either. I don't say anything for the moment, waiting until we get to his house so I can gather up my things from his room and leave... I've had enough. Things didn't exactly work out the way I thought, though.
We get to his house, and Yoshi unlocks the door, but can't get in because of the door chain. His mother comes to the door, obviously very upset. His mother asks him where he was yesturday, confirming to me that he had also lied to me where he was yesturday. They argue for almost an hour at the door before his mother finally removes the door chain and opens the door - but she doesn't let me in. The door closes in my face after a 'gomen ne' from his mother.
I wait for another hour on the steps in front of the door, hearing screaming from the inside. Finally, Yoshi comes out of his house with a bag of my things, as well as a suitcase. His face is terribly bruised and bleeding. I stare at him, very shocked for awhile, before turning and jogging quickly down the stairs. I walked quickly almost to the train station before stopping... I realized that I can't just leave like this. I walk back to his house and he is waiting for me.
Yoshi says he wants to talk with me first, he doesn't want it to end like this. He begins to tell me that while we were together, he had been keeping a huge lie from me the whole time.
The scary thing is, I almost knew what it was a week before he actually told me about it, although I had the story a little backwards. It wasn't his father who had been abusing him; it was his mother. I thought that it was possible that he wasn't his father's son, but he actually wasn't his mother's son. His mother never onced loved him, and beat him bloody daily when he was little. Yoshi cried on my shoulder for a long time while my brain remained frozen, completely unable to function. How terrible a person I am, to break up with him on this day. The irony is incredible... my boyfriend lost his family, his house, his boyfriend, on the same day. Not to mention the worst: it's Mother's Day. For crying out loud, it's fucking Mother's Day!
I told him that I will give him all the support I can. He wants me to be there for him not just as a friend, but as a boyfriend. I can't though, it's much worse for me to lie to myself and him just so I can be there for him. That's even worse for us. I can only do what I can, be there for him as a friend, as much as I possibly can. But I feel like such a terrible, terrible person. All that time I was trying to make him feel better for having a terrible father, I didn't realize that I was just hurting him more. I just didn't know that his father tried to keep him, but because his father has a disability, the mother won custody of all 5 kids, even the one that wasn't her own. I just didn't know I was hurting him, and he just smiled and kept it inside.
What can I do now? I am so worried about him. He's staying at a friend's house right now... I feel like I should be doing more to help him, but what can I do? I'm just an exchange student with no job and no money, in a country that's not mine with no family...
After he told me everything, and he wanted me to continue to be there as his boyfriend, I told him I couldn't. I could only be there as his friend. I began to walk back to the station, and he tried to stop me, saying he will try hard to make me happy, and there's still a lot to look forward to, but I just pulled away. I pulled away and said, "Just MOVE ON." Then I quickly walked away, not looking back. I will be here for him, but those three words make me feel so terrible.
What do I do? What CAN I do?
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My devFamily:
Deviants whom I look up to and praise for their endless support and talents, the Big5:
Stunning Deviants whom I keep a close eye on (you should too):
My ever-growing list of clubs to which I belong:
My Pencil-medium club, for pencil/charcoal/etc.-based drawing!:
New friends / First poem submitted!
Self-Rehab
for the inspiration. Brian look-alike, your pieces are absolutely breathtaking! Thanks for the courage to start writing some of my own!! 
OK maybe that's exaggerating a little... but geez, this situation is some heavy shit. I'm feeling so relieved that it's starting to lift.
Oh and still working on that... oh wait, scratch that. I BROKE MY COMPUTER! Ha..haha... dammit.
